"Samandar mein sabke naam ki ek leher aati hai........Pakad liya to
Naseeb.......chhoot jaaye to sab kuchh vada paav."

Somebody's gonna get A hurt!!!!

Welcome back i'm Charan Panjwani or as Hannibal Lectar calls me- dinner for two!


So I was just wondering the other day that, why do toasters have a setting from 1? who in their right frame of mind is gonna wanna use their toaster on 1??? that's just warm bread ppl !! u wanna warm ure bread...sit on it or sthn, why do you wanna go through all that effort? it's like shagging in a brothel!! getting the MINIMUM possible benefit out of the given apparatus!!! Why would u do that?
anyho's...
The past few days have been somewhat of a revelation for me....i dint have access to the internet, and that made me realise how ridiculously important it is to have it!!! I mean there's Food there's Sex and then there's the Internet!!! not necessarily in that order....i mean that's how i wud put it.... if you thinking of putting anything before Food then please don't bother trying to get to know me cos i don't like you already!
i love u kfc...bless our home with a never ending supply of fried chicken....
status updates and flashing our viewpoints on public platforms has become an extension of one's personality!

the other day i saw that a frd of a common frd's frd had uploaded a video on fb....of her giving birth! Now what in the Name of Steve Jobs was she thinking???? The lines between enthusiasm and dementia have finally blurred away! 

(Dementia (taken from Latin, originally meaning "madness", from de- "without" + ment, the root of mens "mind") is a serious loss of cognitive ability in a previously unimpaired person, beyond what might be expected from normal aging. It may be static, the result of a unique global brain injury, or progressive, resulting in long-term decline due to damage or disease in the body. Although dementia is far more common in the geriatric population, it may occur in any stage of adulthood.) .
-courtesy Wikipedia.


Is life in the city making you lonely? are you feeling increasingly insecure about your social skills? are u an idiot trying to prove that you have opinions? no? then stop updating ure profile that often....
Do it when you have something you really would like to share...be a lil selective dude.

Like when u get a promotion, or if you shifting base to nepal, or if you ate the best peperoni pizza....important stuff like that...(in case of the pizza also put up the number)

and try not to put up your views on movies, or your travel schedule or how you lovvvvve your iPad!! we're not interested! also please please do not put up your emotional rants either about how you love your wife/kids/parents/neighbour's wife........errr you can put up the last one (preferably with a pic)!!!
ofcourse i'm kidding you jackass!!!
actually not....
anyways

pictures....hmmmm what do i feel about ppl sharing their pictures on social networking sites.....let me see
if it's something extra ordinary like you shaking a leg with shakira then yes please go ahead and put it up....but if it's gonna be u standing with different backdrops with the same smile in different clothes with the same stupid face of ures then please feel free to NOT share them with the world!
i'm sick of lying to you ppl abt how "i like" the albums....

and then there are things that make you go ummmmmmmmmmmmm WTF!
like wierd applications where a person sitting in a highrise decides to become a farmer???!!! and they keep farming all day and sharing brushells (wtf is tht anyways) and seeds and manure and cows!!!! stop this nonsense ppl....act your age,go brush your teeth, talk to your family members , and stop watching Uttaran for God's sake......and tuck your shirt in...... stop sending forwards and respect the INTERNET.....i'm outta here.

Peace out.

I'M BIGGER I'M BETTER I'M BLACKER AND I'M BACK!!!

i am back by popular demand!!!!!

yesterday to my utmost surprise i received a comment on my blog page asking me as to why had i stopped blogging?

i was very happy. especially cos the person who did so didn't leave her name!!(yes i presume it was a female as that helps my juices flow more rapidly) (errr creative juices i mean) 

well to answer your question my love , the reason i had stopped blogging was to see, if what i do here makes any difference to any female at all??? and you have re affirmed my belief , that i'm doing this for a reason. so now with a renewed sense of purpose .....and hope.... and faith.... i'm back!

PARAKALOS PEOPLE!!! although that does'nt really apply here, i said it anyway to let you'll know i've been to foren land where they are speaking the different languages...

i have been there with my wife and 2 others. the others are being my friends. one very good friend and one just good friend. my wife is also being good friend with both my friends. it has been a very friendly trip. we have visited the great western europe. but therein we have only been to Greece. our holiday was being 11 nights (including 1 night in ferry in order to save hotel cost). why so many days in just 1 country you will be wondering. well i have the answers to that because to be in the middle of their peoples and places and to take in all the lovely views properly (specially of the ladies on the beach).

my friends have taken in the views better than me and my wife because they were always looking to find beauty in everything from stones to sea. also i'm hating to admit that my friend had a very good camera with that lens coming out and all when you are pressing. so she knew how to take in the views by pressing all the time at all different places. i must say she is very keen observer of what will be good looking and what will be so so.

we are 4 of us going on this trip and carrying lot of snacks from here because europe food is quite expensive so my 2 friends who are kachchi by community have been experts with snacks. they have been carrying with them many types of snacks like khakhra, chivda, peanuts, etc .

we have been to santorini island for 4 nights, nafplion city for 3 nights and we are going in and out of athens all the time. all the places were very new to me and my wife and the others.we are walking and walking over there like mad dogs still i am not losing any weight. tell amma not to worry about our health we are all eating and shitting a lot. here we are going to eat little little many times and going to bathroom also in the same way. we are able to drink water directly from the tap in athens. i am not liking that idea first but i find out the cost of water in athens then i'm being able to drink water from the tap just like a fish...he he he he. after all we are on a budget trip. we are being 2 kachchi and 2 sindhi we think before passing gas also. he he he he.

ok so now i'm being tired of talking so i will write again soon.

give my regards to all at home and love to monty. i am unable to send any gifts as i have spent all my money in Greece. so i am sending you a photo from my camera. but i am not having anything to press on mine so the photo is so so.

bye bye.

taken at a beach called Kamari in nafplion. (ps-the hat is belonging to my friend who is a female so tell amma not to worry as i am not wearing any other ladies items)

Never Say Die(T)

Im back……..


Ive been taking keen interest in the general do’s and don’ts in the food department.

And I have to say it’s got me so confused that I feel like a Dalmatian in a polka dotted t-shirt running around in a black and white movie!

Errrr…..so anyways according to research (I love sounding like I read a lot;)

Milk is good for you. but dairy may not always be helpful. And excessive milk can also lead to some complications, although it helps relieve acidity. So if I drink too much whisky it gives me acidity and then if I wash it down with a glass of cold milk

It makes me fat….hmmm let me see I’d rather be skinny and acidic or feeling all nice and cool in my Fat chest???

I think I wanna remake doodh ka karz now…..

Okay moving on, greens are good. Everyone knows that. So it’s good roughage and I’m sure has a whole lotta other benefits. So I’ve started to eat salads….voraciously, might I add. But according to some research done somewhere it’s not advisable to eat raw vegetables for it may bring with it their share of trouble so there goes my salad plate on the very edge of my dinner table which, by the way looks forlorn since a week….grrrr

Then there are greats like mr. Atkins who suggested increasing protein intake and going very low on carbs, hmmn sounded good coz I would then have access to meat and cheese while on a diet! How great would that be, until the day when my cheesy meat stuffed bubble burst when my cousin developed gall stones due to excessive protein intake!

So we now go along to a well balanced diet with some exercise thrown in…hmmn sounds like an everlasting and highly successful plan! So we plan to eat at least 5 times a day….small meals ofcourse,(you there don’t go dialling a pizza just yet) it has to be 5 small healthy options like you know crap that ain’t got anything in store for you’re tongue. All your tongue is good for now is articulating words….screw that shit I ain’t talking much on an empty stomach anyways.

Well exercise is good but too much of it is bad. Walking is good but results are slow and may not be visible in your lifetime. Running is more effective but not good for your knees. Weight training is good but you need to eat a lot more after a work out which clashes with plan A.

carbs are required for proper digestion but avoidable after sunset! And I should tell you there are good carbs and then there are the bad carbs…..and don’t strain your brain too much, the bad ones are the ones you love!

Jab aadmi kha nahin sakta who peene ke bare mein sochta hai….

I took some solace in the fact that atleast I can enjoy an occasional scotch….but then again the great researchers suggested that according to their latest survey a drink a day is good for you, but not for Indians! Hahahahahahahhaha

That’s it I am cracking up now…..this is just too much.

If I think about my intestine my liver is hurt, if I look after the liver the pancreas and stomach lining are up in arms, the bones joints colon and heart are over sensitive to my gastronomical soujourns and my fat cells are like Mr. Smith, multiplying for no apparent reason!

So there I’ve said my bit…..i’m feeling much lighter I think I may even be ready for my 5th meal

BON APETIT!

Disclaimer-this is purely a work of fiction/imagination
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my name is CharAAn! and i'm not a pessimist

eventhough i know that things could be better, eventhough i feel a lotta pain while taking a shit,eventhough i feel there is hardly any patch of road that's not dug up, eventhough i feel ashish jagtiani has taken a tip or two from my blog and i have'nt received any credit (my sympathies with chetan bhagat....i now know how you feel buddy), eventhough the political parties in our city are beyond redemption, eventhough i'm greying and balding sooner than i expected, eventhough i feel that my worth will never be fully realised coz i sell tvs for a living, eventhough this list is long i conclude by saying life is good! (except for the excrutiating pain i feel while taking a dump)

PS: my forehead is smaller in person.

I think...

That over the last few years the focus of televised public service messages has shifted from birth control to girth control!
That as you grow older the women around you start looking prettier!
That sex after beer and papad is a laugh riot. (with a background score of an edgy thriller)
That if the movie Veer was about desserts it would be called Kheer
That in the movie 3 idiots the song behti hawa sa tha woh was actually meant for chatur ramalingam cos of his gas problem, but aamir din't want him to get too much screen time!
That why is Karthik calling Karthik?
That if the movie Ishqiya was an action flick it would be called "Dishqiya!!"
That Ibn e Batuta , bagal mein joota , pehne toh karta hai churrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr!
That Ishqiya toh darna kya?
That Ram Gopal Varma's new movie will make everyone RANN out of theatres!
That the people behind tv serial names such as iss des na aana laado are a genius lot!
That people who think of suicides as a way out should think again.

of dreams and live pasta counters!

“only unfulfilled love can be romantic…” or so they say. They being woody allen, through his film Vicki Christina Barcelona. Well in my case the unfulfilled love is the goal of losing weight! And in a strange way it is romantic. I’m almost in love with the idea of losing weight. In fact I’m so in love with the idea of losing weight that I sub-consciously don’t wanna lose it! because then I’d just be another regular fit looking guy with no real romance left in my life!


I hate shopping. But shopping with me is a breeze. I breeze in ask for my size they say it’s not available I breeze out! In fact I can go through malls with record speed. (application sent to the HQ of Limca Book of World Records, but the mail was returned as the address could not be found!)

Well speaking of Vicki Christina Barcelona… that would be any man’s ideal life!

Living with two gorgeous women… both of whom love the man and also love each other. How lovely.

Anyways getting back to a more realistic world, have you been to any shaadi lately?

I mean the kind where you have to go and not really wanna go to? A shaadi where you will be re-introduced to a whole bunch of relatives you have no memory of? And are pretty sure you won’t remember them even after this re-introduction! As all these thoughts were filling my mind an aunty came up to me and said “hi!! Remember me??” And my normal response to such situations is to wear a smile to disguise my puzzled expression and nod saying “yes yes ofcourse aunty I do…how are you doing??”

Earlier I used to even add “how’s uncle doing?” But given the divorce rate nowadays I refrain from that one! And I substitute it with “How’s everything? You look lovely!”

Much less intrusive I’d say.

But why do people do that? Why do they expect you to remember them? or is it just a conversation starter for the socially challenged? And what if you’d actually say yes I do remember you, you’re the aunty who had too much to drink at the last wedding party when we met last, 8 years ago! Is that gonna make her feel better??



So once you’re past these tiny hurdles of fake smiles and air kisses, comes the dinner BUFFET! I have buffet in caps cos it’s a very important part of all Indian wedding functions. Ofcourse before going to any shaadi I always say to myself “Charan.. you are a strong person, you will not get tempted, thou shall not give in… even if they are serving pav bhaji on monica belluci’s stomach!” And so with this strong resolve I approach the Buffet.

At first it’s ok I’m saying to myself that it’s no biggie I can always just stick to the salad counter. That’s pretty harmless. So I serve myself some greens and walk past all the paneer masala, kulcha, tawa vegetables, live pasta counter, dal, jeera rice, sarson ka saag, dahi wadas, papads….and go and sit in one corner to enjoy my greens… as I begin my culinary escapade into a heap of lettuce I sense activity behind me. There is a “non-veg” section. Dan tenan…..tenaan tenan……tenenAaoo! At first I try to ignore it but then soon enough I fool myself into believing that my resolve is unshakeable. Then what follows is the inevitable.

It always starts with tasting and ends with dabaaoing! And after all that dabaaoing there isn’t much wisdom in skipping desserts ;-)
After all “ek khoon ki sazaa bhi phaansi hai aur sau khoon ki sazaa bhi phaansi hai!”

Ha ha ha meelaard! maine yeh jurm kiya hai!



As a child, I used to look at naseeruddin shah in Jalwa or sunny deol in movies like Samundar and Ghayal and feel that that’s how I’m gonna build my physique when I grow up….And now that I’m grown up I can only identify with the guy who appears in adverts of nutralite butter and saffola cooking oil! Good for your heart, Zero cholesterol* advisable for over weight, compulsive men who dream about food and are often married to good looking women who are very concerned about their husbands! (that’s such a cliché) ………………..(on second thoughts … I am married to a good looking woman who is indeed concerned!)



I learn something new everyday.